When you find it
You hold on to it
Like you would of your most-prized possession.
Cleaving on to it
Savouring every inch of it
Like you do to your own dear life.
It may pass
It may never last
But right now,
It’s yours at last.
Though it may leave
And as it does you weep
But etched in your heart
A mark permanent and sweet.
And you know,
Once in your life you had it.
And you hope,
Once again you will find it.
7/30/2013 5:04 PM
Closing time… Wasted time…?
Here I am, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so I can leave – few minutes less of an hour to go.
What am I doing with my life? Is this really where I should be? I try to grasp the meaning of this all. If asked how I ended in this place, I often say, I just went with the flow. Half-truth. Circumstances led me here, but it is my indecision, my lack of direction that kept me here. With that being determined, with that fact laid out there, what’s next? I have often been told and judged to be too timid to act. Friends meant well when they try to push me out of this zone, when they pep talk me to leaving this job, when they encourage me to work at Ocean Adventure (yes, to that point!). Believe me, I took a step I normally wouldn’t. I did act. I went ahead. I resigned. I enrolled. And still, I am here. Resignation denied. Home-schooling stopped. What happened? Was it still my indecision? Didn’t I fight hard enough? Didn’t I push harder? All in the realm of ‘maybe’. Wasn’t I misunderstood and misjudged once again?
As a daughter, let me tell all parents out there, be as supportive as you can be of your children. Do not impose your dreams on them. You may know best but you are not your child. Not because you find a career good meant it will be good for your child. Not because you cannot do it doesn’t mean your child cannot achieve. And do not compute the money, the time, the effort you have given them and use that to threaten or coerce them to do your will. Give them wings to fly, and never ever ever tell them they can’t fly. My parents are supportive… partly, as typical Chinese parents do. They support you in the arts while you’re young and when you are about to enter the real world, they only support you if you take business or whatever they think will bring in the most financial stability for you – definitely not drawing or writing or teaching or even singing. If it had been differently, I would be on TV. They divide your lives in numerical periods –at a certain age you should be like this, accomplished this, and yet they keep treating you like an eleven-year-old. I know I may not understand yet how it is to be a parent. I will write about that when the time comes. But for now, this is the sentiment of a daughter who wanted to spread her wings but found herself caged in. It is easy for other people to say – go ahead, jump ahead, to push you forward – because they are not the ones who will dishonor their parents. Sometimes, I do think about it – this is about me and my life, my happiness… and I should be the one in control, not my parents. But how do you act on something without considering the feelings of other people, especially people who have been with you through the years? I must say, my parents did teach me well – they did a pretty good job in instilling respect for them, even though they always tell me I disrespect them (when I answer back). I can be a rebel with a cause, a daughter who fought for her happiness in spite of, the girl who reached for her dreams and (hopefully) found that it’s what she expected and more, and then what? All that is ahead are uncertain. What I only have is right now – this job, this family, the community and God.
Sometimes, like today, I am bothered. An idle mind is truly the devil’s playground.
I pray, Lord, that you sort through my heart’s desires and take away those against Your will for me. I ask for Your guidance and for the fulfillment of these desires. I seek You and Your will, Your plan. I knock and knock and will keep on knocking until You make a way for the fulfillment of Your will. And I will hold on to the hope and future You promised, Lord. And I will hold on to your command to honor and obey parents as it is well for me (Ephesians) and it pleases You. (Colossians).
When I look to God, when I see Christ, when I remember all that’s been done for my salvation … I know I am not lost, and I have this Hope that wherever I am, God will still fulfill His will for me. He already has a set time for every event in my life. I just have to be a little more patient and a lot more courageous.
I dreamt of you again, it was a good dream, kinda weird (as most dreams are) but good.
And that made me wonder, how do you wake up when you get to dream of me?
So from one thought to another came the idea, what if dreams are two-way or like a meeting place? Whenever I get to dream of these people, these people are also exactly dreaming the same dream like mine, that we are what we are in the dream. And we’d all wake up talking about one same dream. Wouldn’t that be a blast! It’s like a sleep-meeting. Hahaha And in dreams, we can travel as far, do things as crazy as our imagination can take us.
I hope to dream of you often, and if dreams can send signals, I’m hoping I’d be sending some good signals your way. ♥
Same goes to all my friends who are so far away, well even those close around… Let’s meet often in my dreams! (:
I’m running barefeet, loving each soft landing. The flowers and grass wave, the leaves rustle, the wind kisses my face. This is such a bliss. Above, a blue so calming. Below, a green so relaxing. I stop to catch my breath, look around and absorb the beauty of this place. Oh, to lie down on this soft grass bed and stare at the birds flying in this vast clear sky. Music. The chirping, the rustling leaves, the water flowing in a brook nearby. It’s so inviting to close your eyes, because the beauty is just indescribable and the music is so comforting.
This is where I run to rest. A short moment where I leave reality and lose myself in a different world. I see this in my mind and I focus on how relaxing it is to be there.
Then I breathe out, open my eyes and I’m back here at work. Looked out the office window, it’s brown…
BROWN?! Why is the outside pale brown?!
1054 070511
30 years… I’ve met frogs… No, I didn’t kiss them to see if they’d turn into my prince charming. I didn’t have to because they left even before I got hold of them. So now, I’m still waiting for prince charming to come sweep me off my feet.
Many times I think I’ve found him just to realize I was being delusional. Either we live in a different time zone that our feelings didn’t evolve at the same time or I’m just too good a princess to be his and he can’t take it. But they all taught me how to love, to hurt, to let go, to get back up, and to be patient. In each I’ve learned lessons I am taking with me as I search, wait and hope for my prince charming.
So, yes, out there are many frogs. You can try kissing each one to see which one turns out to be your prince, or you can just wait for the real prince to reveal himself. I’d prefer the latter. Jumping into the pond and picking out frogs just isn’t my thing. I’d rather sit on the side, dip my feet in the pond and see who comes around to sit beside me.
In all these, I have to stay open. Whether wandering in the woods, sitting beside a pond or singing to a well – stay open. Lightning could strike and turn a frog into a prince. Who knows? Or he might just be lingering around watching you while he rides on his white horse, the prince not the frog of course. Stay happy, live lovely and stay open. ♥
Pixies & Stardust 