Weak

I can’t go on.
I had enough.
I can’t do this anymore.

Recently, I went through something I am used to – people come and people go, right? I should be able to handle this for the nth time. Well, I was wrong. And I saw how it is true – when you are breaking down inside, you vividly see how the world perfectly goes on, how people happily lives on without you, while you try to pull yourself together with all your might.

The questions come one after the other, questions most often you won’t find answers to. And slowly, the bitterness creeps in, and before you know it, darkness. I started to question things I know about, questioning God, questioning myself. Every thing is wrong, someone has to be responsible for this. I have my choices: God, me, or him. Yet I cannot choose apart from me so I point the fingers at myself and felt ever more wrong, which lead me to question God, why create me? It’s a cycle spiralling down towards a dark abyss. I know other people would have chosen differently, and maybe for some it could have been easier to blame the other person and get over with it. That was my choice, a choice which clearly shows how much self-love I have – close to zero. I am selfish, but I do not love myself. I believed I was strong and now I am demanding that strength from myself.

One truth remains and that is, in darkness, Light will shine brighter, in weakness, His strength will be magnified. Only when I shift my focus away from myself and focus on Him; only when I stop blaming myself and start loving His creation called me; only when I accept the divine help He so freely offer and has been keeping me; only when I stop trying to control and solve the situation and rely on Him; only when I start to die to self and live for Him. It is singing to God with all my heart and soul Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cos I can’t do this on my own…

As of this writing, I still struggle. Yet I know, I do not struggle alone and true help comes from Him. I still have a lot to learn from St. Paul. I don’t know how to boast about my weakness. I only plead for the thorn to be taken away but to delight in the thorn is something else. Yet St. Paul clearly said, for God’s strength to rest in me, I must first boast about my weakness. I pray that I will have true strength to surrender and tell about my weakness. Lord, I am a sinner and I cannot do this alone. I’ve tried and failed and hurt myself and other people. This is just too much for me to handle.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Second letter of St. Paul to the church in Corinth 12:8-10

True strength isn’t about being sassy, sexy, independent, self-reliant and in control.

True strength doesn’t rely on self – it dies to self.

Recognizing our human frailty and leaning on Him is what makes us strong.

A woman of strength recognizes she is weak and in need of a savior. She admits her need. She knows that it’s only the good kind of weak – the humble, soft, teachable kind – that will truly make her strong.

The Right Kind of Strong – Mary A. Kassian

Amazing Grace

The overwhelming love of God for an unworthy being – me.  He initiated the love, and in response, what have I done?  I run towards it, and then shrink away from it with my sins.  I plunge into its amazingness and then withdraw and drown in my own misery.  It’s like that scene in Tangled where Rapunzel was finally out of the tower and she was celebrating her freedom one moment then feeling bad another moment.   Yet for me it’s celebrating how God has freed me and then going back to sinning then feeling bad for sinning.  And all the time, God looks at me with love and mercy, waiting for me to realise what I’ve been doing and return to Him.  That immeasurable patience God has for me, I have no words.

If only letting go and letting God is easily done as it is being said (in a span of few seconds).  Experience has taught me, and most would agree, that it is not the case.  I happened to read on this verse from Romans 3:23-25 last night and dived into the grace of God.  I knew that grace is God’s gift – God’s mercy, my salvation and the promise of eternal life.  Amazing, amazing grace.  However, last night led me deeper into what grace is and I encountered these words telling me to guard this grace, to use it wisely and make it increase.  How?

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I go…

Why these words
Why these thoughts
Why such revelations
This mind has to hold
Why stir this heart
Why chosen apart
Why such emotions
Where do I start

What step to take
How far to go
Where forth I don’t know
This road I follow
Swayed by the wind
Lost in the spin
I falter and fall
Yet you gave it your all

Lean on the Wood
Rest on the Rock
Lay on Your feet
Saved by Your blood

© 05.09.2017 23:28

Only God

Only You can see my tears and know exactly what they mean;

And only You can wipe these tears and fill this empty space within;

Because only You know what’s in my heart and give exactly what it needs;

Only You can steady this heart and bring back the peace within. 

© April 30, 2017

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 59:16

He

He who loves me,
He who cares for me,
He who holds me in His hands,
He who never lets me go.

He who calls me,
He who chooses me,
He who keeps me under His wings,
He who steadies my heart.

He who disciplines me,
He who forgives me,
He whose mercy never fails,
He who never lets me fall.

He who strengthens me,
He who sustains me,
He who gives me His life,
He who is forever faithful.

He is my Dad,
He is my King,
He is my God,
To Him my heart sings.

©djklmnopi 11:32 10.22.2015

All is Fun That Ends in Laughter

Laughter.  Not only the best medicine.  Not only music to the ears.  Laughter, for me, is my lifeline.  As long as I can laugh, I am alive, I will sure to live on.  To laugh is not insanity or craziness, it’s my outlet.  As long as I can find something to laugh about – my boo-boo’s, funny stories, corny jokes, amusing events – I know that my life is worth-living.

God loves a cheerful giver.  And I believe He also loves the person who can laugh about trials, not because it’s funny or he’s trying to get away with it by laughing, but because he lifted it up to Him and laugh at how great and wonderful God’s sense of humor is and trusting He will surely deliver.

Haunted by a sin, trapped by a fear, one need only to pray, to call on God, to rejoice in Him and watch how wonderful things turn out.  And the result, you’ll laugh about it – how eaten up you’ve been by your sins and fears, how you’ve forgotten you have a BIG GOD who is ALWAYS in control and how you’ve stressed yourself, growing wrinkles by thinking too much and wallowing in your problems.

Laugh.  Laughter normally won’t solve the problem, but it gives your life a push, it makes you feel life is good after all, and it makes you feel good inside.  From there, shifting your focus from your situation and lightening up a bit, you will view yourself better, and find it in your heart the strength to keep going.  Because, after all, all is well that ends well and all is fun that ends in laughter.