Left My Heart in Lent

So, Easter came.

People celebrated Christ’s victory in their lives. I celebrated with them, even when my heart breaks and aches, my victory unseen and unfelt, I got more questions than answers. Will I say I’m misunderstood? Maybe.

I will be honest. Easter came yet my heart felt like Lent. It’s like the flowers have bloomed in spring yet my heart remained in the icy cold winter. I wanted to step into the garden and take in the beauty of spring. Believe me, I do and I pray for it. I was even looking forward to it with all positivity and expectations. Expectations are such downers…

Please do not rush me. Please do not tell me “how dare you think like that” or judge me for being un-Christian and doubtful. I know God’s victory for me will come, but right now, I cannot see it and I do not know what to do but hope. And this hope sometimes get swallowed up in pity and tears. What am I getting all hung up on? That a person decided in his heart he doesn’t like me? No. That not a single person I liked would like me back, they can but they won’t. Period. Self-pity at its core. It’s not you, it’s me. Something must be wrong with me. Yet God never ever created anything wrong, all He created is good and pleasing and beautiful. So where do I fit in?

Change of perspective, they say it’s all about perspective. But please let me wallow a bit in this – I have been here before but not quite the same, not this close to the light at the end of the tunnel only to be suck back in the tunnel. This time it was Continue reading


Trust Issues

We all have them.  And we all have different reasons why we cannot trust some people, some products, and some situations.  What really surprised me is that as much as we praise, glorify, adore, exalt God, He is one being we have trust issues with.  Some might acknowledge, some might feel appalled by the idea, some might deny – but just think about and reflect on it.  When God tells us, ‘sell all your possessions’, we respond by saying ‘we do not have many possessions’ or ‘I do not own anything, they’re all rented and borrowed’ when in fact we have enough to sell on OLX and earn from it!  When God tells us, ‘go and announce’, we respond by making reasons why we just cannot.  When God tells us to ‘go forth and multiply’, we take out our calculators and bank accounts and blame poverty to population growth and you know, we’re just being prudent and practical.

Often these trust issues are masked by our want to be in control, our desire for comfort, the rational and practical reasons that we lay out there.  Oh and how we make so much sense with our arguments!  But unveiling that façade, deep in the heart of our reasons and arguments, it all boils down to that – we do not trust God enough that He will deliver for us, He will deliver us.  I know I have not given God my absolute trust and surrender; that a part of me still holds back, too attached to this world.  And I continually pray to God that He will work in me and work in my heart, because only He can change my stubborn heart, only He can accomplish and maintain that changed heart of mine.

So, “HOW CAN YOU NOT TRUST GOD?”  Appalling?  Dismaying?  How do you feel when you know someone does not trust you?  Why are we so afraid to trust an Almighty Being?  Why do we feel we can and He cannot accomplish some things for us?  Why cannot we absolutely give Him our trust?  I leave you these questions to ponder on and may He show you your answers and your reality.  I pray you will open your hearts to acknowledge them and decide in your heart that you will start to trust Him moment by moment.

Learn to trust the journey...

Learn to trust the journey…

How Can You?

How can you un-want a desire you have that’s second to living
When you feel that it will give your life its meaning?

How can you block a light that is brightly shining
When in the shadows you are spent, hiding?

How can you walk away from your heart’s beating
When it’s the only thing that keeps you breathing?

08.17.14 16:08
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