Weak

I can’t go on.
I had enough.
I can’t do this anymore.

Recently, I went through something I am used to – people come and people go, right? I should be able to handle this for the nth time. Well, I was wrong. And I saw how it is true – when you are breaking down inside, you vividly see how the world perfectly goes on, how people happily lives on without you, while you try to pull yourself together with all your might.

The questions come one after the other, questions most often you won’t find answers to. And slowly, the bitterness creeps in, and before you know it, darkness. I started to question things I know about, questioning God, questioning myself. Every thing is wrong, someone has to be responsible for this. I have my choices: God, me, or him. Yet I cannot choose apart from me so I point the fingers at myself and felt ever more wrong, which lead me to question God, why create me? It’s a cycle spiralling down towards a dark abyss. I know other people would have chosen differently, and maybe for some it could have been easier to blame the other person and get over with it. That was my choice, a choice which clearly shows how much self-love I have – close to zero. I am selfish, but I do not love myself. I believed I was strong and now I am demanding that strength from myself.

One truth remains and that is, in darkness, Light will shine brighter, in weakness, His strength will be magnified. Only when I shift my focus away from myself and focus on Him; only when I stop blaming myself and start loving His creation called me; only when I accept the divine help He so freely offer and has been keeping me; only when I stop trying to control and solve the situation and rely on Him; only when I start to die to self and live for Him. It is singing to God with all my heart and soul Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cos I can’t do this on my own…

As of this writing, I still struggle. Yet I know, I do not struggle alone and true help comes from Him. I still have a lot to learn from St. Paul. I don’t know how to boast about my weakness. I only plead for the thorn to be taken away but to delight in the thorn is something else. Yet St. Paul clearly said, for God’s strength to rest in me, I must first boast about my weakness. I pray that I will have true strength to surrender and tell about my weakness. Lord, I am a sinner and I cannot do this alone. I’ve tried and failed and hurt myself and other people. This is just too much for me to handle.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Second letter of St. Paul to the church in Corinth 12:8-10

True strength isn’t about being sassy, sexy, independent, self-reliant and in control.

True strength doesn’t rely on self – it dies to self.

Recognizing our human frailty and leaning on Him is what makes us strong.

A woman of strength recognizes she is weak and in need of a savior. She admits her need. She knows that it’s only the good kind of weak – the humble, soft, teachable kind – that will truly make her strong.

The Right Kind of Strong – Mary A. Kassian
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The Lost Sheep

I feel I am not worthy to write about God and the things of above. Before sitting down for this, I was bothered by these thoughts: so you want to tell people about God but here you are, you just committed another sin. Forget about writing about God, do not be a hypocrite, no one will listen to a sinner. Forget about writing at all, don’t waste your time. And I almost believed the lies. True, I am a sinner, I am the lost sheep. The lies are that I am not worthy and that no one will listen.

Just when I am about to get on my feet in the spiritual battle and find my purpose, I find myself attacked and fallen.  Sometimes we think, God allowed it trying to take on the responsibility of our choices.  Yet God allows choices, and I choose to do those sins.  I go out of the fence and wander far from Him. It is a dark and dangerous field out there and I find myself being beaten down time and again, by my thoughts, my actions – deceived time and again. 

I asked God, don’t you get tired of looking for me and taking me back?  I accused Him of letting all these happen.  Why cannot He just keep me safe in the fence and so my life will be happy?  Why give me the freedom to wander off and hurt myself and others?  I cried to Him, I am so tired of trying to understand and fight and do what you want me to do and I am so tired of this life, there is just no way that I will be perfect, holy and a Christian.  Even my tears are tired of falling, my heart tired of breaking.  Everything about me is just simply tired, but the irony of it all, in the tiredness I didn’t let go of the rein of my life, I didn’t turn over my life to God.  I held on to it with my remaining strength, trying to fix things, trying to figure things out. 

God, on the other hand, in His faithfulness continue to prod me, silently calling out to me, seeking me, and keeping me.  I know He does.  I cannot explain how I know, yet I believe with all my heart the only reason I still have my sanity and that I am still breathing and writing this right now is God keeping me and keeping His covenant with me.  And He is asking me, aren’t you tired of trying to make sense of your life?  Why don’t you rest in me? 

I wish I can tell you it happened overnight.  That I heard Him and accepted the invitation at once without arguing; that at the point I accepted and rest in Him, things got better.  It was a process that for some would take a while for others longer. Finally giving in and resting in Him, there was peace, there was true joy in me.  But one incident, one memory, one harsh reality and boom!!! a huge wave of thoughts and feelings rush back. I try to run away but it caught me.  I try to stay afloat while it beats down on me.  Truly, me of little faith.  Forgetting the Anchor, forgetting to fix my gaze on Jesus.  Things didn’t get better overnight, but gradually, in little steps, in little moments, with the graces of God, smaller battles are won.  It may take a little more time for me to be truly okay, or maybe I won’t be entirely okay and memories will bring me emotions that will challenge my peace and joy, yet I pray to be anchored to His truth, that in this world, I will have troubles, and I have to take heart and remember that Jesus has overcome the world and has been victorious and in that my hope lies, my rest is in Him.

12 “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.

Matthew 18 NIV

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11 NIV

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16 NIV

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Psalm 62:1 – 2 NIV

I will live through all the wrongs with Your Truth.
I will trust through all the wait with Your Word.
I will see through all the pain with Your Love.

•djane•
03.08.2018

“It doesn’t matter how greatly you’ve been hurt or how much you’re hurting, it’s what you do with the pain that counts.”

~ Froggy, The Land of Stories