Weak

I can’t go on.
I had enough.
I can’t do this anymore.

Recently, I went through something I am used to – people come and people go, right? I should be able to handle this for the nth time. Well, I was wrong. And I saw how it is true – when you are breaking down inside, you vividly see how the world perfectly goes on, how people happily lives on without you, while you try to pull yourself together with all your might.

The questions come one after the other, questions most often you won’t find answers to. And slowly, the bitterness creeps in, and before you know it, darkness. I started to question things I know about, questioning God, questioning myself. Every thing is wrong, someone has to be responsible for this. I have my choices: God, me, or him. Yet I cannot choose apart from me so I point the fingers at myself and felt ever more wrong, which lead me to question God, why create me? It’s a cycle spiralling down towards a dark abyss. I know other people would have chosen differently, and maybe for some it could have been easier to blame the other person and get over with it. That was my choice, a choice which clearly shows how much self-love I have – close to zero. I am selfish, but I do not love myself. I believed I was strong and now I am demanding that strength from myself.

One truth remains and that is, in darkness, Light will shine brighter, in weakness, His strength will be magnified. Only when I shift my focus away from myself and focus on Him; only when I stop blaming myself and start loving His creation called me; only when I accept the divine help He so freely offer and has been keeping me; only when I stop trying to control and solve the situation and rely on Him; only when I start to die to self and live for Him. It is singing to God with all my heart and soul Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cos I can’t do this on my own…

As of this writing, I still struggle. Yet I know, I do not struggle alone and true help comes from Him. I still have a lot to learn from St. Paul. I don’t know how to boast about my weakness. I only plead for the thorn to be taken away but to delight in the thorn is something else. Yet St. Paul clearly said, for God’s strength to rest in me, I must first boast about my weakness. I pray that I will have true strength to surrender and tell about my weakness. Lord, I am a sinner and I cannot do this alone. I’ve tried and failed and hurt myself and other people. This is just too much for me to handle.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Second letter of St. Paul to the church in Corinth 12:8-10

True strength isn’t about being sassy, sexy, independent, self-reliant and in control.

True strength doesn’t rely on self – it dies to self.

Recognizing our human frailty and leaning on Him is what makes us strong.

A woman of strength recognizes she is weak and in need of a savior. She admits her need. She knows that it’s only the good kind of weak – the humble, soft, teachable kind – that will truly make her strong.

The Right Kind of Strong – Mary A. Kassian
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this is not a sad story

We all, at least once in our life, have exclaimed that LIFE IS UNFAIR. But how many of us has ever wondered why does life have to be unfair? What does life gets out of it, for being unfair?

I heard her ask the moon that question and I waited with her for the response. The moon was full and bright that night, unlike other nights. And I heard it, soft and calm. “I have a short time to shine, and cannot shine without the help of the sun. There are days I’m only seen in parts. I do not have all the glory. I am nothing without the sun, and sometimes I am nothing at all. I would like to think the same as you, that life sucks because it is unfair, but I have seen that without the limitations and dependencies, I will merely be just a round object in the sky, unappreciated and easily forgotten. Life is unfair because in the unfairness we learn to appreciate the little things that we become in different moments. It hurts and will hurt every time we go through the dark days of our lives, but there will always be a time where we shine and we can shine bright.

With tears in her eyes, she smiled and lifted her eyes back to the moon, “thank you, you have always been my friend. Life is unfair, it’s beautifully unfair, which also means that it can be pretty good as it can be pretty bad. I hope, it’ll be pretty good for me for the coming days.

And I found the answer, what does life gets out of being unfair – stories, beautiful and real stories of bravery, of hope and of love.

this is not a happy story

I watched her eyes lit up when he told her how important she is to him. I watched him smile as she told him she’ll be there until the end. Words spoken so sweet and sincere.

Time teased them, time pretended to be their friend. Now time deserted them and I watch in silence as they struggle to keep their words to each other – one refusing to break, one refusing to look back.  

This Is Not a Sad Story

This is not a sad story.

She loved and lost and loved and lost and loved and lost… and I began to wonder if she has any idea what she’s doing with her life.  I watched her stare at the night sky as tears roll down her cheeks, thinking to myself, does she ever get tired of wishing on the stars?  Or, the stars, what do they think of her wishes?  Could their twinkle be laughter or tears for her loss?

She opened her heart each time, scarred as it already was, to vulnerability – trusting, hoping, breaking.  Does she really know what she’s doing?  How stupid!  And I heard all the promises made to her, all the words she has kept in her heart and believed in.  I listened and wondered how she can be so naïve to believe in forever, in always.  To overlook the lies and the excuses and to believe in the best of people.  I wanted her to be mad, to be really mad at the world, at the lies, yet she sat there by the sea, hoping in silence, healing I suppose.  I heard the breaking of her heart in to pieces, yet she stayed there staring at the waves, refusing to break herself.

And I heard her mutter, “one more time” and I thought to myself, she must be really crazy!  One more what?  Heartache, hurt, pain, one more time to be tossed aside like the sea shells on the sand?  One more what?  Does she plan to cry tears as much as the ocean?  Then her heart whispered, “yes… again.  Love.  Until we get it right.

Sadness is temporary, but to have loved is eternal.

Choices

In every situation we are given always two choices:

do or don’t 
stay or go
wait or act
forgive or blame
fight or surrender

In these choices, there is no right or wrong as we all face different situations under different circumstances.  However, there is in each a choice that leads us closer to heaven.

There will be times we made a choice and find ourselves wishing we had chosen the other one.  Do not lose heart and know that after a choice was made, we are offered another set of choices. Life, after all, is a series of choices and the thing to do is learn to forgive yourself when you made a wrong one, to bounce back up and continue on hoping and praying and to never give up.

I’d Still Take This Road

No regrets.

There are moments that sometimes challenge me, showing me the things that could have been, should have been, if only, what if’s … shoulda, woulda, coulda…  yet, I wouldn’t trade anything for this path I have treaded.

True, there are times I wished life could have been kinder to me, wished that I could have avoided all the tears and heart aches, betrayals and battles, yet those were exactly the things that shaped me, events that put me to the test of faith.  I cannot say I’ve always emerged victorious when it comes to that test – of faith.  Like Peter, I would lose my focus on Jesus and gaze at the waves surrounding me and sink.  Yet by God’s grace, I made it through each storm, and I continue to weather through the storm through His grace.  Not without sinking in tears, not without bending from the wind, not without gasping for air through the waves, yet time and again, He reminds me whenever I call out to Him – trust Me, I got you and I got this.

The future will always scare me, even if when I think I had it figured out.  For one, I know no human can have it all figured out.  Secondly, I’m not someone who really plans so far ahead and I only have this simple vision of a future that I desire.  It still scares me because the simple future I mention requires so much humility and obedience to achieve.  And the devil clearly knows this, when what you desire is contrary to his, he attacks the more.  I read in a book by C. S. Lewis that it is exactly in making you think of the future that the devil will put fear in your heart, for one it is because no one knows the future – not him, not you, so he can suggest to you all scary outcome to attack your peace until fear turns to doubt and chaos.  We all fall prey to this.  Nothing wrong with daydreaming, with wishing for a future, with desiring this future, yet when it starts to scare us, when it starts to scare me – learn to run to the One who has it all figured out and who holds our future.

So looking back, I will still take this road because back then this was the uncertain future that I didn’t expect and it played out beyond what I could imagine.  Though life is hard, it is beautiful.  And what’s next in this wonderful journey, I take it moment by moment with prayer in my heart, entrusting the future I know not and the desires I have to the One who loves me.

I know not what my future holds, but I know who hold my future” ~ Homer

 

Distractions.

They abound.

May I have the wisdom to discern which to entertain and which to block.

And through it all, there is one which stands – somehow I find that you are my favourite one.

Prayer

Never under estimate the power of a prayer.  At times, we need to look outside of ourselves to see how God works His wonders.  We tend to concentrate too much on our needs (humanly speaking) without realising the spiritual need that God is fulfilling in each of us every moment.  We tend to think that our prayers, to be fulfilled, has to be met in our conditions, yet God’s thoughts is not ours to fathom.  And in His great mercy, He doesn’t meet our conditions but always provide us our specific needs.

To be used by God to help others is not a cause for us to boast but it is humbling and unworthy of us to play a part in salvation’s history and what a grace that He finds us to do His will.

Even if we disregard the prompting of the Spirit, the other’s prayer will be answered in His ways beyond what we can imagine. Yet to be able to follow the prompting of the Spirit is not by our own strength but that which the grace that God gives us, the heart that He molds and moves.

All prayers are effective as God hears them and He moves heaven and earth to fulfil His will.

02.10.2018 00:09

 

When we take our time and delay before acting, that can be prudent and wise, but then that can also be plain laziness.  When we consider something over and over, that can be prudent and wise, but then that can also be indecisiveness.  When we hold our tongue when insulted, that can be prudent and wise, but then can also be cowardice in disguise.  The reason behind our actions, the state of our hearts when we decide, is the true indication of wisdom and prudence.

Who is the prudent man?  He is cautious, shows discretion, has discernment, and makes sound judgement.  He does not delay for the sake of delaying or think long because he cannot decide but he is tactful in his considerations, decides with discernment and considers not only the now but what his action or inaction can lead to.

Prudence cannot be without wisdom and vice versa.  In fact, in Proverbs 8:12 (NIV) Continue reading

Just a word, sometimes two. But when it hits you, it penetrates through the walls you build to protect your self and filter the chaos around you. It breaks them down and opens a hole that it yearns to fill. It touches a nerve that sends signals to your brain that even when it tries to reject it cannot reject the truth. Because your Soul knows it’s true. And your Spirit affirms its truth. It awakens them. Love. Mercy. How I am forgiven and loved, that the Lord moved heaven and earth to save this wretched soul of mine. 

These are the Moments

Lent. Easter. Missions. Election.

Each moment went by, and I’m left to ponder on what I took from each one.  Have I been repentant enough during Lent?  Was I victorious in Easter?  Have I given enough in our Sunday missions?  Did I vote wisely in the election?  What’s next?

Sometimes, we go through life watching moments pass us by.  We live in the moment yet we forget afterwards. And I do not want that.  I want to always have something to go back to and remind me of how it was, whether it was good or bad.  If it was bad, it’s a reminder to change and make it better the next time around.  If it was good, it’s a reminder of victory, a motivation to do better and an encouragement in times of doubt.

I hope we go through life aware and alive, not living like zombies going from one gesture to another, moment to moment, without investing anything and taking anything from it.  Whether we grieve or celebrate, falter or winning, may we always see God’s goodness and faithfulness in every moment we go through.  After all, our lives are made of these moments.

People can love you to the moon and back and you’d still get disappointed with them.  God loves you to the moon and beyond and He never disappoints.
09.22.15 ©djklmnopi

Thoughts Before Falling Asleep

Skimming the surface, most of us go through life like this.  We see a man cross the street, dropped his coin, went back to pick up his coin and block an incoming car.  What a stupid man!  On the surface, he values the coin more than his life.  How easy it is for us to draw conclusions and pass on judgments on events and people just because of what we see.  Going deeper is too complicated, too much effort and such a waste of time.  To ask “maybe”, to consider for a split second and to ponder about this man’s life – too much!  Yet, this man has  a story, his coin has a story, his crossing the street has a story – or maybe, it’s simply just that, he just wanted to cross the street, dropped the coin and decided he loves the coin more than his life – stupid man.  Or what about the driver of the incoming car?  The hustle and bustle of life, the busy-ness that we have plunged ourselves into, has made us skim surfaces and move on without taking a second look, without having second thoughts.  Like the wind passing through a tree, blowing the leaves off their branches without looking back, leaving the tree and leaves with their own stories.

Stop and smell the flowers.  Slow down and appreciate life.  Skimming the surface makes you miss out on the beauty of an ice cream cake stuffed with your favorite fruits and flavors.  It doesn’t hurt to go deeper, to look beyond – there’s always so much more than what meets the eye.

Be quick to consider and slow to judge.

YOLO, YODO and YoCaLiFo! :D

When you say YOLO, I hope you realize that YODO, too.  You only live once, you only die once.  I hope you reflect on that before you do reckless stuff.  I hope you understand that time wasted, money spent and words spoken can never be taken back, and that the injuries you have caused yourself and other people may heal but scars don’t go away.  I hope you see that for every action there is a reaction that reverts back to you – some call it karma, I’d like to think they’re consequences for our actions or failure to act, all the same.  YOLO and YODO must not paralyze us or lead us to be reckless, it must make us prudent and discerning and make us see the things that truly matter in our lives: time – spend them well; people – love them well; things – use them well; talent – share them and bear fruits that will last; and life – we only have one with this body, let us live it well so as to earn the eternal one.  Cos you know, there is a YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER (YoCaLiFo).  It’s never too late to begin investing on eternity now.

Psalm 90:12
So teach us to number our days, that we may get us a heart of wisdom.

Hebrew 9:27-28
And just as it is appointed for [all] men once to die, and after that the [certain] judgment, Even so it is that Christ, having been offered to take upon Himself and bear as a burden the sins of many once and once for all, will appear a second time, not to carry any burden of sin nor to deal with sin, but to bring to full salvation those who are [eagerly, constantly, and patiently] waiting for and expecting Him.

Romans 6:23
For the wages which sin pays is death, but the [bountiful] free gift of God is eternal life through (in union with) Jesus Christ our Lord.

When people tell me to put God second…

When people tell me to put God second… I don’t understand. It doesn’t make me mad, it makes me sad. What can be more important than our time with God? It’s not even a tenth of the time we give to the world! He doesn’t even force us or require us or pay us to spend time with Him yet He showered us with so much than we deserve even with the very little attention we give Him.

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Unworthy Yet Loved

It’s always better to see that we are undeserving and yet loved and getting what we do not deserve than to feel we are worthy and oblige the world to do our will, step on people somewhere in the process and see that we are truly undeserving. The effects on both situations, I’ll always go for gratitude over disappointment.

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Balance and Priorities

How do you tell which one should be on top of your priority list?  I am seriously asking, just, how do you decide?  What considerations do you make to know which one should be first?

I always go for my gut feel or indulge myself to what I want, which I know isn’t the best thing to do, cos often, what I want isn’t what I need to do.  I want to sleep but I need to finish a work, for example… what I’d do – I’d sleep! ((: I’m sure I’ll get enough time for work, I do not have enough time for sleep.  My reasoning!

It took me quite a while to learn to ask the right questions and to weigh stuff so I can prioritise well.  Not rightly or correctly because there isn’t a right or correct way, in my opinion, on how priorities should be set.  We are a diverse set of people, we have different needs, different wants, different sets of thinking.  But whenever I am really caught in a dilemma and the Continue reading

You don’t get to make up most of your story. You get to make peace with it.
You don’t get to demand your life, like a given. You get to accept your life, like a gift.
~ Ann Voskamp