Lent. Easter. Missions. Election.
Each moment went by, and I’m left to ponder on what I took from each one. Have I been repentant enough during Lent? Was I victorious in Easter? Have I given enough in our Sunday missions? Did I vote wisely in the election? What’s next?
Sometimes, we go through life watching moments pass us by. We live in the moment yet we forget afterwards. And I do not want that. I want to always have something to go back to and remind me of how it was, whether it was good or bad. If it was bad, it’s a reminder to change and make it better the next time around. If it was good, it’s a reminder of victory, a motivation to do better and an encouragement in times of doubt.
I hope we go through life aware and alive, not living like zombies going from one gesture to another, moment to moment, without investing anything and taking anything from it. Whether we grieve or celebrate, falter or winning, may we always see God’s goodness and faithfulness in every moment we go through. After all, our lives are made of these moments.
Whenever I reflect on God’s Mercy, I cannot help but be amazed of the love that He has for His disobedient and stubborn people. I see how unworthy I am of such love and how faithful He is for keeping His covenant in spite of all that the other party, we, does. Seeing this love always drives me to tears and gratitude and makes me see that all other things matter less in this world.
One parable commonly told is that of the prodigal son, in other texts it is entitled the parable of the Merciful Father and rightly so. Often the focus is on the son who Continue reading
So, Easter came.
People celebrated Christ’s victory in their lives. I celebrated with them, even when my heart breaks and aches, my victory unseen and unfelt, I got more questions than answers. Will I say I’m misunderstood? Maybe.
I will be honest. Easter came yet my heart felt like Lent. It’s like the flowers have bloomed in spring yet my heart remained in the icy cold winter. I wanted to step into the garden and take in the beauty of spring. Believe me, I do and I pray for it. I was even looking forward to it with all positivity and expectations. Expectations are such downers…
Please do not rush me. Please do not tell me “how dare you think like that” or judge me for being un-Christian and doubtful. I know God’s victory for me will come, but right now, I cannot see it and I do not know what to do but hope. And this hope sometimes get swallowed up in pity and tears. What am I getting all hung up on? That a person decided in his heart he doesn’t like me? No. That not a single person I liked would like me back, they can but they won’t. Period. Self-pity at its core. It’s not you, it’s me. Something must be wrong with me. Yet God never ever created anything wrong, all He created is good and pleasing and beautiful. So where do I fit in?
Change of perspective, they say it’s all about perspective. But please let me wallow a bit in this – I have been here before but not quite the same, not this close to the light at the end of the tunnel only to be suck back in the tunnel. This time it was Continue reading