Weak

I can’t go on.
I had enough.
I can’t do this anymore.

Recently, I went through something I am used to – people come and people go, right? I should be able to handle this for the nth time. Well, I was wrong. And I saw how it is true – when you are breaking down inside, you vividly see how the world perfectly goes on, how people happily lives on without you, while you try to pull yourself together with all your might.

The questions come one after the other, questions most often you won’t find answers to. And slowly, the bitterness creeps in, and before you know it, darkness. I started to question things I know about, questioning God, questioning myself. Every thing is wrong, someone has to be responsible for this. I have my choices: God, me, or him. Yet I cannot choose apart from me so I point the fingers at myself and felt ever more wrong, which lead me to question God, why create me? It’s a cycle spiralling down towards a dark abyss. I know other people would have chosen differently, and maybe for some it could have been easier to blame the other person and get over with it. That was my choice, a choice which clearly shows how much self-love I have – close to zero. I am selfish, but I do not love myself. I believed I was strong and now I am demanding that strength from myself.

One truth remains and that is, in darkness, Light will shine brighter, in weakness, His strength will be magnified. Only when I shift my focus away from myself and focus on Him; only when I stop blaming myself and start loving His creation called me; only when I accept the divine help He so freely offer and has been keeping me; only when I stop trying to control and solve the situation and rely on Him; only when I start to die to self and live for Him. It is singing to God with all my heart and soul Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cos I can’t do this on my own…

As of this writing, I still struggle. Yet I know, I do not struggle alone and true help comes from Him. I still have a lot to learn from St. Paul. I don’t know how to boast about my weakness. I only plead for the thorn to be taken away but to delight in the thorn is something else. Yet St. Paul clearly said, for God’s strength to rest in me, I must first boast about my weakness. I pray that I will have true strength to surrender and tell about my weakness. Lord, I am a sinner and I cannot do this alone. I’ve tried and failed and hurt myself and other people. This is just too much for me to handle.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Second letter of St. Paul to the church in Corinth 12:8-10

True strength isn’t about being sassy, sexy, independent, self-reliant and in control.

True strength doesn’t rely on self – it dies to self.

Recognizing our human frailty and leaning on Him is what makes us strong.

A woman of strength recognizes she is weak and in need of a savior. She admits her need. She knows that it’s only the good kind of weak – the humble, soft, teachable kind – that will truly make her strong.

The Right Kind of Strong – Mary A. Kassian

Amazing Grace

The overwhelming love of God for an unworthy being – me.  He initiated the love, and in response, what have I done?  I run towards it, and then shrink away from it with my sins.  I plunge into its amazingness and then withdraw and drown in my own misery.  It’s like that scene in Tangled where Rapunzel was finally out of the tower and she was celebrating her freedom one moment then feeling bad another moment.   Yet for me it’s celebrating how God has freed me and then going back to sinning then feeling bad for sinning.  And all the time, God looks at me with love and mercy, waiting for me to realise what I’ve been doing and return to Him.  That immeasurable patience God has for me, I have no words.

If only letting go and letting God is easily done as it is being said (in a span of few seconds).  Experience has taught me, and most would agree, that it is not the case.  I happened to read on this verse from Romans 3:23-25 last night and dived into the grace of God.  I knew that grace is God’s gift – God’s mercy, my salvation and the promise of eternal life.  Amazing, amazing grace.  However, last night led me deeper into what grace is and I encountered these words telling me to guard this grace, to use it wisely and make it increase.  How?

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I go…

Why these words
Why these thoughts
Why such revelations
This mind has to hold
Why stir this heart
Why chosen apart
Why such emotions
Where do I start

What step to take
How far to go
Where forth I don’t know
This road I follow
Swayed by the wind
Lost in the spin
I falter and fall
Yet you gave it your all

Lean on the Wood
Rest on the Rock
Lay on Your feet
Saved by Your blood

© 05.09.2017 23:28

Grace

Grace is everything Jesus. Grace lives because He does, works because He works, and matters because He matters. To be saved by grace is to be saved by Him, not by an idea, rule, or church membership, but by Jesus himself, who will sweep into Heaven anyone who so much as gives Him the nod. Not, mind you, in response to a finger snap, religious chant, or secret handshake. Grace won’t be stage-managed. It’s like Jesus himself: uncontainable, untamable.
Like a wild, whitewater kayak ride that is thrilling and scary and joyful. Grace isn’t merely an app to be acquired. It’s an adventure to be lived.
~ Max Lucado (One God, One Plan, One Life)

Grace

Grace is love that seeks you out when you have nothing to give in return. Grace is love coming at you that has nothing to do with you. Grace is being loved when you are unlovable.

~ Paul Zahl

Your Grace

In this moment
As I sit in silence
I feel the vast emptiness
The void I cannot fill

And at this moment
I search for answers
I try to come to terms
With reasons I feel

My tears, they fall
I’m ready to drown
Yet my tears aren’t enough
Even when a river I’ve cried
For Your mercy
Is the ocean they flow to
And Your love
Is the limitless horizon in view

It’s in this moment
That I’m caught in Your grace
Your love fills the emptiness
Your resurrection, my seal

Written: Thursday, February 06, 2014 9:00 AM

©djklmnopi ©debi620

Perfectly Flawed ©

Few days back, I started writing down tidbits of praise and prayer.  The back story for how it started and why:

I sat contemplating about envy, anger, things happening around me, things going on inside my head, temptations I fight and failed to fight.  Then, I am inspired by St. Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth…

2 Corinthians 12:9

 But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

By His Cross, I see my sins and shame crucified.
By His Resurrection, I see my salvation and victory.
In my weakness, I see His strength.
In my sins, I see His mercy.
In my fallen state, I see His unconditional love.
I am made perfect in my weakness, through His strength.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, flaws and all.
I am perfectly flawed for His glory.
I am His child, so dearly loved.
I am a child in awe of my Father, my God, my King.
And I will sing and proclaim His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His love, and this Hope through His gift to me – writing.

Debbie