I’d Still Take This Road

No regrets.

There are moments that sometimes challenge me, showing me the things that could have been, should have been, if only, what if’s … shoulda, woulda, coulda…  yet, I wouldn’t trade anything for this path I have treaded.

True, there are times I wished life could have been kinder to me, wished that I could have avoided all the tears and heart aches, betrayals and battles, yet those were exactly the things that shaped me, events that put me to the test of faith.  I cannot say I’ve always emerged victorious when it comes to that test – of faith.  Like Peter, I would lose my focus on Jesus and gaze at the waves surrounding me and sink.  Yet by God’s grace, I made it through each storm, and I continue to weather through the storm through His grace.  Not without sinking in tears, not without bending from the wind, not without gasping for air through the waves, yet time and again, He reminds me whenever I call out to Him – trust Me, I got you and I got this.

The future will always scare me, even if when I think I had it figured out.  For one, I know no human can have it all figured out.  Secondly, I’m not someone who really plans so far ahead and I only have this simple vision of a future that I desire.  It still scares me because the simple future I mention requires so much humility and obedience to achieve.  And the devil clearly knows this, when what you desire is contrary to his, he attacks the more.  I read in a book by C. S. Lewis that it is exactly in making you think of the future that the devil will put fear in your heart, for one it is because no one knows the future – not him, not you, so he can suggest to you all scary outcome to attack your peace until fear turns to doubt and chaos.  We all fall prey to this.  Nothing wrong with daydreaming, with wishing for a future, with desiring this future, yet when it starts to scare us, when it starts to scare me – learn to run to the One who has it all figured out and who holds our future.

So looking back, I will still take this road because back then this was the uncertain future that I didn’t expect and it played out beyond what I could imagine.  Though life is hard, it is beautiful.  And what’s next in this wonderful journey, I take it moment by moment with prayer in my heart, entrusting the future I know not and the desires I have to the One who loves me.

I know not what my future holds, but I know who hold my future” ~ Homer

 

Been A While

Sometimes you just want to tell someone what has been happening, or write it down and hopefully someone will be interested to read it.  But then again, nah!  I don’t want to bore you with my life story. 😛

I’ve discovered Easter, I still walk in valleys at times, and desert on other times, yet I know very well my God is with me, always with me.  And busy months followed Holy Week – Mission Sundays, weddings after weddings – but the most important event, I must say, would have to be the moment God told me that the hour has come and my salvation is nearer than thought of – this is in relation to the work I’m in for 12 years now.  Few years back, I prayed hard for a decision I am trying to make and God gave me the word – to wait for harvest time.  Just few months back, after being persecuted yet again in this job that I’m in, God gave me consoling words one after the other, day after day, capped off with the verse from Romans.  So now I am looking forward to God’s fulfillment of this promise. 🙂

And I ask, whoever will come to read this, to also pray for me and for the next step I will be needing to make – to entrust my future to God.  And if it is not too much to ask, kindly include us in your prayers so we can all make it to Krakow next year for the World Youth Day! 🙂  THANK YOU!

Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob, all the remnant of the people of Israel, you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried you since you were born.  Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. (Isaiah 46:3-4)

Why am I Still Here?

7/30/2013 5:04 PM

Closing time… Wasted time…?

Here I am, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so I can leave – few minutes less of an hour to go.

What am I doing with my life?  Is this really where I should be?  I try to grasp the meaning of this all.  If asked how I ended in this place, I often say, I just went with the flow.  Half-truth.  Circumstances led me here, but it is my indecision, my lack of direction that kept me here.  With that being determined, with that fact laid out there, what’s next?  I have often been told and judged to be too timid to act.  Friends meant well when they try to push me out of this zone, when they pep talk me to leaving this job, when they encourage me to work at Ocean Adventure (yes, to that point!).  Believe me, I took a step I normally wouldn’t.  I did act.  I went ahead.  I resigned.  I enrolled.  And still, I am here.  Resignation denied.  Home-schooling stopped.  What happened?  Was it still my indecision?  Didn’t I fight hard enough?  Didn’t I push harder?  All in the realm of ‘maybe’.  Wasn’t I misunderstood and misjudged once again?

As a daughter, let me tell all parents out there, be as supportive as you can be of your children.  Do not impose your dreams on them.  You may know best but you are not your child.  Not because you find a career good meant it will be good for your child.  Not because you cannot do it doesn’t mean your child cannot achieve.  And do not compute the money, the time, the effort you have given them and use that to threaten or coerce them to do your will.  Give them wings to fly, and never ever ever tell them they can’t fly.  My parents are supportive… partly, as typical Chinese parents do.  They support you in the arts while you’re young and when you are about to enter the real world, they only support you if you take business or whatever they think will bring in the most financial stability for you – definitely not drawing or writing or teaching or even singing.  If it had been differently, I would be on TV.  They divide your lives in numerical periods –at a certain age you should be like this, accomplished this, and yet they keep treating you like an eleven-year-old.  I know I may not understand yet how it is to be a parent.  I will write about that when the time comes.  But for now, this is the sentiment of a daughter who wanted to spread her wings but found herself caged in.  It is easy for other people to say – go ahead, jump ahead, to push you forward – because they are not the ones who will dishonor their parents.  Sometimes, I do think about it – this is about me and my life, my happiness… and I should be the one in control, not my parents.  But how do you act on something without considering the feelings of other people, especially people who have been with you through the years?  I must say, my parents did teach me well – they did a pretty good job in instilling respect for them, even though they always tell me I disrespect them (when I answer back).  I can be a rebel with a cause, a daughter who fought for her happiness in spite of, the girl who reached for her dreams and (hopefully) found that it’s what she expected and more, and then what? All that is ahead are uncertain.  What I only have is right now – this job, this family, the community and God.

Sometimes, like today, I am bothered.  An idle mind is truly the devil’s playground.

I pray, Lord, that you sort through my heart’s desires and take away those against Your will for me.  I ask for Your guidance and for the fulfillment of these desires.  I seek You and Your will, Your plan.  I knock and knock and will keep on knocking until You make a way for the fulfillment of Your will.  And I will hold on to the hope and future You promised, Lord.  And I will hold on to your command to honor and obey parents as it is well for me (Ephesians) and it pleases You. (Colossians).

When I look to God, when I see Christ, when I remember all that’s been done for my salvation … I know I am not lost, and I have this Hope that wherever I am, God will still fulfill His will for me.  He already has a set time for every event in my life.  I just have to be a little more patient and a lot more courageous.

Angels & Messages

Few days back, I struggled with my desire to attend the World Youth Day next year at Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.  The desire was overtaken by anxiety over the amount of money I need to have for the trip.  It came to a point where I consider to just let go of the idea of being there.  And throughout that struggle, I never prayed about it.  The Lord reminded me to do so, through a friend, heaven-sent.  Sheila asked me to pray about it, for His will. When it is in His will, He will make a way for me.  How easily I forgot about all His providence.  This is a wonderful thing I have, to trust Him and see Him personally work a miracle, a big one IMO.  And day after day, from the night I prayed, I continuously got messages about trust and obedience, of trusting Him even when it doesn’t make any sense, of Elijah’s story and what the Bible say about money.

To share some of the messages I got:

9.24.12

Sometimes, I will allow circumstances to cut down your resources.  Some go through hardship, poverty, and brokenness. Some lose relationships. Some lose their loved ones. And when your resources are down, that’s when you look at me—and become open to my intervention.
Remember: The place of desperation is also the place of deliverance, your deliverance!

9.27.12

I operate in the area of the impossible. If you want to find me, operate in the area of the impossible as well. If you work with what’s possible, you may not need me. But if you work with what’s impossible, you will be forced to look up to me.

10.1.12

Money’s great to have, but it’s important to remember where it came from.
Deuteronomy 8:17-18
“He did all this so you would never say to yourself, ‘I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.’ Remember the LORD your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful, in order to fulfill the covenant he confirmed to your ancestors with an oath.”

God will always provide what you need to accomplish what he’s set before you.

Thank YOU so much Father for such great love.  This is a journey for me.  I cannot guarantee that I will not doubt but I am always grateful and in awe of how He has time and again called me back and pushed away all doubts from me.

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Let us be vigilant, never tiring, in seeking Him and His will for us.  And to listen when He reveals things to us.  Sometimes I fall short in the listening because in the middle of the asking and seeking I have created in my mind the reply I wanted and when I get something not aligned with what I have in mind, there is the tendency to shrug off the message.  Yet the Lord has His ways and He replies to our asking and seeking, and to find Him is to have an open heart and open ears ready to listen, trust and obey Him.  For He has great plans for all of us and we are all put here for a purpose He has assigned to each one of us.  No one is without one.

Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

In all things, let us remember LOVE.  That our Father in Heaven loves us so and nothing in this world can separate us from that.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

-a child in awe of You-