I feel I am not worthy to write about God and the things of above. Before sitting down for this, I was bothered by these thoughts: so you want to tell people about God but here you are, you just committed another sin. Forget about writing about God, do not be a hypocrite, no one will listen to a sinner. Forget about writing at all, don’t waste your time. And I almost believed the lies. True, I am a sinner, I am the lost sheep. The lies are that I am not worthy and that no one will listen.
Just when I am about to get on my feet in the spiritual battle and find my purpose, I find myself attacked and fallen. Sometimes we think, God allowed it trying to take on the responsibility of our choices. Yet God allows choices, and I choose to do those sins. I go out of the fence and wander far from Him. It is a dark and dangerous field out there and I find myself being beaten down time and again, by my thoughts, my actions – deceived time and again.
I asked God, don’t you get tired of looking for me and taking me back? I accused Him of letting all these happen. Why cannot He just keep me safe in the fence and so my life will be happy? Why give me the freedom to wander off and hurt myself and others? I cried to Him, I am so tired of trying to understand and fight and do what you want me to do and I am so tired of this life, there is just no way that I will be perfect, holy and a Christian. Even my tears are tired of falling, my heart tired of breaking. Everything about me is just simply tired, but the irony of it all, in the tiredness I didn’t let go of the rein of my life, I didn’t turn over my life to God. I held on to it with my remaining strength, trying to fix things, trying to figure things out.
God, on the other hand, in His faithfulness continue to prod me, silently calling out to me, seeking me, and keeping me. I know He does. I cannot explain how I know, yet I believe with all my heart the only reason I still have my sanity and that I am still breathing and writing this right now is God keeping me and keeping His covenant with me. And He is asking me, aren’t you tired of trying to make sense of your life? Why don’t you rest in me?
I wish I can tell you it happened overnight. That I heard Him and accepted the invitation at once without arguing; that at the point I accepted and rest in Him, things got better. It was a process that for some would take a while for others longer. Finally giving in and resting in Him, there was peace, there was true joy in me. But one incident, one memory, one harsh reality and boom!!! a huge wave of thoughts and feelings rush back. I try to run away but it caught me. I try to stay afloat while it beats down on me. Truly, me of little faith. Forgetting the Anchor, forgetting to fix my gaze on Jesus. Things didn’t get better overnight, but gradually, in little steps, in little moments, with the graces of God, smaller battles are won. It may take a little more time for me to be truly okay, or maybe I won’t be entirely okay and memories will bring me emotions that will challenge my peace and joy, yet I pray to be anchored to His truth, that in this world, I will have troubles, and I have to take heart and remember that Jesus has overcome the world and has been victorious and in that my hope lies, my rest is in Him.
12 “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.Matthew 18 NIV
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Matthew 11 NIV
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”John 16 NIV
Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.Psalm 62:1 – 2 NIV
Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.