Why am I Still Here?

7/30/2013 5:04 PM

Closing time… Wasted time…?

Here I am, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so I can leave – few minutes less of an hour to go.

What am I doing with my life?  Is this really where I should be?  I try to grasp the meaning of this all.  If asked how I ended in this place, I often say, I just went with the flow.  Half-truth.  Circumstances led me here, but it is my indecision, my lack of direction that kept me here.  With that being determined, with that fact laid out there, what’s next?  I have often been told and judged to be too timid to act.  Friends meant well when they try to push me out of this zone, when they pep talk me to leaving this job, when they encourage me to work at Ocean Adventure (yes, to that point!).  Believe me, I took a step I normally wouldn’t.  I did act.  I went ahead.  I resigned.  I enrolled.  And still, I am here.  Resignation denied.  Home-schooling stopped.  What happened?  Was it still my indecision?  Didn’t I fight hard enough?  Didn’t I push harder?  All in the realm of ‘maybe’.  Wasn’t I misunderstood and misjudged once again?

As a daughter, let me tell all parents out there, be as supportive as you can be of your children.  Do not impose your dreams on them.  You may know best but you are not your child.  Not because you find a career good meant it will be good for your child.  Not because you cannot do it doesn’t mean your child cannot achieve.  And do not compute the money, the time, the effort you have given them and use that to threaten or coerce them to do your will.  Give them wings to fly, and never ever ever tell them they can’t fly.  My parents are supportive… partly, as typical Chinese parents do.  They support you in the arts while you’re young and when you are about to enter the real world, they only support you if you take business or whatever they think will bring in the most financial stability for you – definitely not drawing or writing or teaching or even singing.  If it had been differently, I would be on TV.  They divide your lives in numerical periods –at a certain age you should be like this, accomplished this, and yet they keep treating you like an eleven-year-old.  I know I may not understand yet how it is to be a parent.  I will write about that when the time comes.  But for now, this is the sentiment of a daughter who wanted to spread her wings but found herself caged in.  It is easy for other people to say – go ahead, jump ahead, to push you forward – because they are not the ones who will dishonor their parents.  Sometimes, I do think about it – this is about me and my life, my happiness… and I should be the one in control, not my parents.  But how do you act on something without considering the feelings of other people, especially people who have been with you through the years?  I must say, my parents did teach me well – they did a pretty good job in instilling respect for them, even though they always tell me I disrespect them (when I answer back).  I can be a rebel with a cause, a daughter who fought for her happiness in spite of, the girl who reached for her dreams and (hopefully) found that it’s what she expected and more, and then what? All that is ahead are uncertain.  What I only have is right now – this job, this family, the community and God.

Sometimes, like today, I am bothered.  An idle mind is truly the devil’s playground.

I pray, Lord, that you sort through my heart’s desires and take away those against Your will for me.  I ask for Your guidance and for the fulfillment of these desires.  I seek You and Your will, Your plan.  I knock and knock and will keep on knocking until You make a way for the fulfillment of Your will.  And I will hold on to the hope and future You promised, Lord.  And I will hold on to your command to honor and obey parents as it is well for me (Ephesians) and it pleases You. (Colossians).

When I look to God, when I see Christ, when I remember all that’s been done for my salvation … I know I am not lost, and I have this Hope that wherever I am, God will still fulfill His will for me.  He already has a set time for every event in my life.  I just have to be a little more patient and a lot more courageous.