Weak

I can’t go on.
I had enough.
I can’t do this anymore.

Recently, I went through something I am used to – people come and people go, right? I should be able to handle this for the nth time. Well, I was wrong. And I saw how it is true – when you are breaking down inside, you vividly see how the world perfectly goes on, how people happily lives on without you, while you try to pull yourself together with all your might.

The questions come one after the other, questions most often you won’t find answers to. And slowly, the bitterness creeps in, and before you know it, darkness. I started to question things I know about, questioning God, questioning myself. Every thing is wrong, someone has to be responsible for this. I have my choices: God, me, or him. Yet I cannot choose apart from me so I point the fingers at myself and felt ever more wrong, which lead me to question God, why create me? It’s a cycle spiralling down towards a dark abyss. I know other people would have chosen differently, and maybe for some it could have been easier to blame the other person and get over with it. That was my choice, a choice which clearly shows how much self-love I have – close to zero. I am selfish, but I do not love myself. I believed I was strong and now I am demanding that strength from myself.

One truth remains and that is, in darkness, Light will shine brighter, in weakness, His strength will be magnified. Only when I shift my focus away from myself and focus on Him; only when I stop blaming myself and start loving His creation called me; only when I accept the divine help He so freely offer and has been keeping me; only when I stop trying to control and solve the situation and rely on Him; only when I start to die to self and live for Him. It is singing to God with all my heart and soul Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hand, cos I can’t do this on my own…

As of this writing, I still struggle. Yet I know, I do not struggle alone and true help comes from Him. I still have a lot to learn from St. Paul. I don’t know how to boast about my weakness. I only plead for the thorn to be taken away but to delight in the thorn is something else. Yet St. Paul clearly said, for God’s strength to rest in me, I must first boast about my weakness. I pray that I will have true strength to surrender and tell about my weakness. Lord, I am a sinner and I cannot do this alone. I’ve tried and failed and hurt myself and other people. This is just too much for me to handle.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Second letter of St. Paul to the church in Corinth 12:8-10

True strength isn’t about being sassy, sexy, independent, self-reliant and in control.

True strength doesn’t rely on self – it dies to self.

Recognizing our human frailty and leaning on Him is what makes us strong.

A woman of strength recognizes she is weak and in need of a savior. She admits her need. She knows that it’s only the good kind of weak – the humble, soft, teachable kind – that will truly make her strong.

The Right Kind of Strong – Mary A. Kassian
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Amate i Vostri Nemici

Love your enemies.

Simple.  Direct.  Crazy.  But, why should I?  How could I?

In theory, it’s already hard to postulate.  In practice, what more?  The world sees this as the craziest idea – a world that demands justice, revenge, vengeance sugar-coated into something we sometimes use as ‘I’m just teaching him a lesson’ or ‘He deserves it’.  Oh, how kind of us, teaching lessons, giving deserving presents!  And the world who loves gossips and dramas would be against a person who quietly accepts persecution and forgives – corny, boring, stupid.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for an eye, and tooth for tooth.’  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” Matthew 5:38 – 42

Personally, I struggle with this command.  It’s just too hard to comprehend and it goes against lessons the society has taught me growing up.  I look at a society that demands Continue reading

Even When I Am In This Valley, I Praise You

I am in the valley, the ‘white space’ in my walk with the Lord – the space where you know He’s there but you just can’t see or hear Him.  I feel abandoned, let down, disappointed, and yet I know He’s gotten me all secure and safe.  It’s just that my heart struggle to accept some things and prefer to enjoy the hurt because the hurt is there but the promise unseen.  Yet, His promise, His Word stands firm, it is the only thing that is eternal and lasting, the only truth in all these mess I am in.  For the past days I have been praying, “Lord, please speak to me… please talk to me… please…” and like what I told a friend, it felt like an off-air signal on the radio, not even static.  I would read His Word each morning to console me that all is not lost and that He is there, always there.  I tried reading between the lines, of figuring out what’s going on, of looking for His will yet the more I try, the more I get side-tracked, lost and frustrated.  As much as making sense, they don’t.  So imagine my delight when I finally opened yesterday’s Faith Gateway devotional “When You Can’t Feel God“.  And I know, He has opened the door I’ve been banging on for the past days to slip me this message.  This white space necessitates me to walk by faith and not by sight.  I clearly do not see any thing that has been promised, I witnessed it being taken away actually.  Right now, clearly, His promise is the only thing I have, His Word, His faithfulness, Him – my God.

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. (2 Corinthians 5:1-9)

More Than Conquerors

07.11.14 7:03

We have a battle, every day.  It’s on, all the time – a battle against the flesh, against the evil of this world, against Satan. 

Our weapon is mighty – if only we use it, if only we depend on it, if only we hang on to it.  Our defense makes us more than conquerors, our Guide has went before us, the battle has been won yet in our weaknesses we fall back.

Let us hold on to Him, to His Word, to Jesus Christ, whose love has made us more than conquerors of the this world.

 

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” ~ Romans 8:37 (NIV)

“The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” ~ 1 Corinthians 15:56-57 (NIV)

Perfectly Flawed ©

Few days back, I started writing down tidbits of praise and prayer.  The back story for how it started and why:

I sat contemplating about envy, anger, things happening around me, things going on inside my head, temptations I fight and failed to fight.  Then, I am inspired by St. Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth…

2 Corinthians 12:9

 But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

By His Cross, I see my sins and shame crucified.
By His Resurrection, I see my salvation and victory.
In my weakness, I see His strength.
In my sins, I see His mercy.
In my fallen state, I see His unconditional love.
I am made perfect in my weakness, through His strength.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, flaws and all.
I am perfectly flawed for His glory.
I am His child, so dearly loved.
I am a child in awe of my Father, my God, my King.
And I will sing and proclaim His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His love, and this Hope through His gift to me – writing.

Debbie

Faith, Hope, Love

Photo source: The Healing Diaries

Turn not aside, discouraged one;
Stir up your gift, pursue your goal;
In God’s own time you’ll see Him work;
He’ll give you hope and lift your soul.

– D. DeHaan

Faith generates love.  Love feeds faith.

– Heard on 09.12.12

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13