Left My Heart in Lent

So, Easter came.

People celebrated Christ’s victory in their lives. I celebrated with them, even when my heart breaks and aches, my victory unseen and unfelt, I got more questions than answers. Will I say I’m misunderstood? Maybe.

I will be honest. Easter came yet my heart felt like Lent. It’s like the flowers have bloomed in spring yet my heart remained in the icy cold winter. I wanted to step into the garden and take in the beauty of spring. Believe me, I do and I pray for it. I was even looking forward to it with all positivity and expectations. Expectations are such downers…

Please do not rush me. Please do not tell me “how dare you think like that” or judge me for being un-Christian and doubtful. I know God’s victory for me will come, but right now, I cannot see it and I do not know what to do but hope. And this hope sometimes get swallowed up in pity and tears. What am I getting all hung up on? That a person decided in his heart he doesn’t like me? No. That not a single person I liked would like me back, they can but they won’t. Period. Self-pity at its core. It’s not you, it’s me. Something must be wrong with me. Yet God never ever created anything wrong, all He created is good and pleasing and beautiful. So where do I fit in?

Change of perspective, they say it’s all about perspective. But please let me wallow a bit in this – I have been here before but not quite the same, not this close to the light at the end of the tunnel only to be suck back in the tunnel. This time it was Continue reading

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He Will Make Everything Beautiful

My dear Father who loves giving surprises has began His work… and I’m still uncertain where this is leading.  All I know and all I hold on to right now is the Word He gave me this morning from Ecclesiastes: “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”  And He will make this circumstance I am in right now beautiful as well, in His time, in His perfect time.  And knowing God, there is just no way I can fathom or even imagine what He can possibly do for me.

Sometimes I would find myself trying to figure it out, which will only frustrate me obviously.  I went through hell yesterday feeling insecure, cheated, questioning and stupid.  I thank God for surrounding me with discerning people who knows to say the right thing as I grapple for His Word the whole day yesterday.  It was already evening when I finally see the word HOPE and TRUST which was staring at me all day long, which in my insecurities and questionings I failed to see.

The best thing for me to do right now, though it may not be the easiest, is to TRUST HIM WHOLLY and LEAN ON HIS UNDERSTANDING and HAND OVER THE PEN TO HIM (refills and all) for Him to write my story and BE PATIENT.  Not a matter of “OR” but AND’s … I have to fulfill the four!  Not easy… Yet possible.  By prayer, with thanksgiving, possible.  Please pray with me.  Thank you.