Alone

Previously I have called Lent the “white space”, the “white noise” of God, the period where winter turns to spring and it becomes cold and eerily quiet, it’s beautiful yet eerie.  This time, the battle rages on but our God is ever faithful.

I have been struggling internally with all the emotions and delusions I have – of the deceit and lies the devil feeds my mind.  I am unwanted, I am alone, I am made to be alone in this world, I will not find love, I will forever be left behind – name the lies, the enemy has it.  Yet, God, in His loving mercy and almightiness knew beforehand what will happen and has sent forth the weapons and help for me.  Well, He could have just stopped it but He didn’t, like with Job’s story.  And as for me, I could let the enemy fill me with lies and not use the weapons God has been providing me.

Yet here we are, here I am.  Faced with all these lies and deceit, God has been feeding me with my dose of Daily Bread, with His Word of Truth and Mercy.  It’s not easy, it sounds easy but it isn’t – when you battle with your mind, you are your worst enemy and persecutor.  PRAY.  We were told that during this time of Lent, pray doubly, pray unceasingly, pray for His mercy.  And the Lord, in His mercy, feeds me His truth after truth.  Sometimes it baffles me what He meant, but today it is quite clear.

Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the festival.  They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, with a request. “Sir,” they said, “we would like to see Jesus.” Philip went to tell Andrew; Andrew and Philip in turn told Jesus.

Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be.My Father will honor the one who serves me.

~ John 12:20-26

Do I like to see Jesus?  Yes!!! I am one of those Greeks!  Do you want to see Jesus?  He clearly said where to find Him – by losing our life for His, serve him and follow him.

In the small Bible I carry arround, the translation to John 12:24-25 is this:

Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.  He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

ALONE.  I feel alone because I want to hold on to so many things and so many people.  Yet it is very clear that what God wants for us is to let go and let Him fill us.  Let go of the pride, of self, of envy – all the things the world has to offer.  To lose this world and gain the kingdom of God.

Today, no matter what you are going through, whatever you are feeling, remember that YOU ARE NEVER TRULY ALONE if only you will see that when you give your life to someone else freely and ungrudgingly, you receive LIFE itself.

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