Left My Heart in Lent

So, Easter came.

People celebrated Christ’s victory in their lives. I celebrated with them, even when my heart breaks and aches, my victory unseen and unfelt, I got more questions than answers. Will I say I’m misunderstood? Maybe.

I will be honest. Easter came yet my heart felt like Lent. It’s like the flowers have bloomed in spring yet my heart remained in the icy cold winter. I wanted to step into the garden and take in the beauty of spring. Believe me, I do and I pray for it. I was even looking forward to it with all positivity and expectations. Expectations are such downers…

Please do not rush me. Please do not tell me “how dare you think like that” or judge me for being un-Christian and doubtful. I know God’s victory for me will come, but right now, I cannot see it and I do not know what to do but hope. And this hope sometimes get swallowed up in pity and tears. What am I getting all hung up on? That a person decided in his heart he doesn’t like me? No. That not a single person I liked would like me back, they can but they won’t. Period. Self-pity at its core. It’s not you, it’s me. Something must be wrong with me. Yet God never ever created anything wrong, all He created is good and pleasing and beautiful. So where do I fit in?

Change of perspective, they say it’s all about perspective. But please let me wallow a bit in this – I have been here before but not quite the same, not this close to the light at the end of the tunnel only to be suck back in the tunnel. This time it was different yet I ended up feeling the same – abandoned, neglected, unwanted, disposed of. Will it be a sin to question my personality, to think that maybe, truly, what’s wrong is me and that I’m not that much of a treasure to be their loss; that I’m the one losing? Yeah, self-pity is a b*tch, but then again, the truth is, too, isn’t it? Well, maybe not. I know the truth – I’m loved, I’m a princess of the King, I’m forgiven, I’m beautifully and wonderfully made. But these don’t exempt me from getting hurt and being left just like that.

For someone who has been delighting in His Word, I am ashamed and a shame to even let these things cross my mind. Being honest, yes, and I cannot delight in His Word if I cannot be honest with how I feel or what I see. I know this hurt is temporary, the same as this life is and all the other stuff and cliches out there. Oh, let me tell you, distractions are also temporary but I have went to that path to get my mind off feeling sorry for myself. But for now, I want to vent them out, I want to dispose of them as well – the pain, the questions, the doubts, the self-pity. I want to get rid of them that only hope will remain in me. I want to feel Easter as well, more than the bunnies and the eggs and the colourful flowers – I want to experience spring, not just looking at it from the other side of the room.

I looked at the photos of flowers blooming – I wanted to shine like them. But the snow had burdened my petals I need the sun to melt them. I need my Sun to shine for me, I cannot do it myself.

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